Being in your twenties is a strange type of hardship and chaos. You see friends getting engaged, while others navigate complicated situationships. Some are scaling the corporate ladder, and others are barely managing school. I find it somewhat unsettling how we can all be the same age yet be at such different points in our lives.
Reflecting on the grand life plan I conjured at 14, I envisioned a sequence of achievements: Harvard by 18, becoming a successful entrepreneur or a corporate lawyer by 22, getting engaged by 24, married with a house by 26, traveling with a dream job until 29, and starting a family by 30. Here I am at 25, and my life is nothing like that blueprint. Instead, I spend my days mixing invisible quantities of liquids together, hoping that one day I’ll cure cancer, and my nights trying to strangle people in a basement MMA gym for a piece of tape around a belt. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a PhD student and how my life currently looks like, despite it not matching my original blueprint. It’s just not at all what I expected it to look like, probably because I was never great at science or naturally athletic. I actually think it’s natural for everyone’s life's script to evolve, and it should as you grow. However, everyone has some guiding principles that they try to live by amidst all the change and chaos. Some principles are shared between the masses–like “you should probably be nice to others”–while other beliefs and rules are much more personal and are developed through unique life experiences. I like to call these personal beliefs and rules, my delusions. I want to share these delusions with you, in hopes they offer comfort or a new perspective as you navigate the chaos known as life. I want to make it clear that I don’t know if I’m living my life in the “right-way”. Remember, these are simply “delusions” I believe to keep fighting the good fight. Anyways, here they are. I hope they help with your existential angst, how you view your personal relationships, and what you can do in your free time. The World Is a Mirror
If you were to ask anyone who’s interacted with me, 'What do you think of Farshad?' they would likely describe me as nice, caring, and social. I'm really happy that people see me this way because I truly try my best to be kind and supportive... even to those who are outwardly mean to me! The problem was that, beneath my outward niceness, I was overly critical and judgmental of others. I would often have thoughts like, 'Wow, Alex is so immature for his age,' or 'How is Brenda so bad at sticking to her goals?' Yes, I know—I was, and might still be, a total douchebag. This mindset stayed with me until I met a guy named Jason at Jiu-Jitsu.
Jason introduced me to the idea that 'the world is a mirror.' He told me that the only language we have to describe the world is with our own perception. The world is a mirror in the sense that often our fear of judgment might stem from our own judgment of others. In other words, the more you hate a trait in someone else, the more likely you are actually avoiding it in yourself. Carl Jung thought the traits we can’t stand in others are just the bits of ourselves we’re not ready to face. Freud had a fancy term for it—'projection.' But most of us just call it 'being a dick.' For instance, someone who’s insecure about their own weight will be more judgemental of others’ bodies. Or a guy who’s worried about how successful he is might be the first to call others dumb or incompetent. Fast-forward to the present day, and I find that I no longer have the same judgment and criticalness towards others. I think it’s because I realized, deep down, I wasn’t really judging them. I was judging the parts of me I saw in them. Once I made this distinction, I’ve been able to have a lot more empathy and compassion towards everyone I came across. I see Alex as someone who is light-hearted and youthful, not immature. I see Brenda as courageous for trying and openly sharing her goals with others, not lazy and unmotivated. In fact, I’ve learned to admire and get inspiration from them. It’s crazy how different the world looks when you just change your glasses. Note to reader: These aren’t actually real names of anyone I know. Just an FYI…… Pressure Your Friends
We need to become more comfortable with the idea of inconveniencing and pressuring our friends. Over the last few years, I’ve noticed that people don’t rely on their friends as much anymore. We no longer see people requesting rides to the airport or asking to crash on a friend’s couch. Similarly, we don’t see friends holding each other accountable and dragging each other out of the house for their own good. I dislike this trend because it leads to isolation and weaker adult friendships over time. If you ask your friend for a favor, they’re likely to ask you for one in return, and over time, this deepens your friendship. Moreover, if you see a friend struggling to pursue a hobby or form a habit, find a way to help them achieve their goal. Ultimately, we don’t want to come across as needy or overbearing, and we fear putting strain on our friendships. However, it’s important to remember that true friendships can withstand pressure and force, hopefully becoming strong diamonds.
One reason we’ve become so hyper-independent and hesitant to inconvenience others or ask for favors is that western-centric therapy values often teach us to prioritize our needs first. We’re encouraged to set boundaries and focus on what serves us best. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a huge advocate for therapy and boundary setting. My mom is a therapist, so I grew up with a strong emphasis on good mental health practices. However, I think therapy culture in North America has become too focused on the individual. Not everything can be about what’s best for our needs and mental health. It’s okay to prioritize others’ needs from time to time, even if it strains our mental health, schedule, or boundaries. If you’re feeling brave, I recommend trying some of the following actions. Over time, they can help deepen your friendships and strengthen your overall community in adulthood:
I understand that learning to prioritize others’ needs over our own is challenging. It’s easy to think that people are just using you, don’t like you or that they won’t be interested in helping you. Trust is hard to default to, but I encourage you to lean into what’s difficult. Dating Apps Suck
I hate dating apps. The idea of meeting your future significant other on an app has always just felt a bit strange to me. I think I’d rather slide into someone’s dms, and ask them out, than swipe right on them. That said there’s three main reasons why I think people need to burn tinder and the rest of the apps.
The first reason is that dating apps lead to the paradox of choice: a psychological phenomenon where having too many options can surprisingly lead to decreased happiness, reduced satisfaction, and hindered decision-making. In 2000, Professor Sheena Iyengar from Columbia University conducted the famous ‘jam study’ to explore choice and decision-making. In the study, Iyengar and her team first displayed 24 different jams in a busy supermarket, offering free tastings. While 60% of customers stopped to taste the jams, only 3% made a purchase. Later, the researchers set up a display with just 6 jars of jam. This time, fewer customers stopped—only 40%—but the purchase rate increased tenfold to 30%. Using dating apps is like having to decide between too many jams. When you’re swiping on dating apps you’re seeing millions of people that you could potentially date. You see all these wonderful people, and making a choice becomes increasingly harder because making more and more conscious decisions has a cognitive cost. Also, there’s a more obvious opportunity cost with dating apps because you’re presented with so many potential partners. You’re left wondering about the choices you didn’t make – kind of like bad FOMO. The second problem with dating apps is that they subconsciously lead to the idea of finding the right person, rather than building something with the one person. Relationships are hard and require effort. A lot of it isn’t found, but is built through shared memories, compromising, and supporting each other through tough times. At the end of the day, dating apps give the illusion that the grass is always greener on the other side. It makes it seem like if something doesn’t work, you can just easily find a new person. Lastly, dating apps force you to filter people out based on preference metrics that don’t actually have any importance on whether or not a relationship will be successful or not. Logan Ury, the director and behavioral scientist at Hinge, actually swiped left on her now husband on three different dating apps. However, when they randomly met at work and started spending time together, they realized that they were great for each other. When we meet someone in person, we aren’t judging them right away as a potential partner, and I think that actually helps with connecting to people. I want to specify that I don’t think dating apps are evil or all bad. I know a lot of people who have found success on the apps. Once again, these views are just my “delusions”. Even if all the data shows that most people meet their partners on dating apps, I’d still probably want to meet mine in person, even if it takes longer. Maybe, I just want to meet someone in person because I want to tell my kids a great story of how I met their mother ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . You Have Time
Recently, I’ve seen many of my friends move in with their significant others, get promotions at work, and even buy their first houses. Witnessing these milestones can make you feel “behind” in some capacity. No matter what path you choose in life, there will be days when you undoubtedly feel behind. However, if you choose to pursue a PhD or any form of higher education after undergrad, there will be many more days that you feel behind. However, the truth is, you do have time for everything to happen. There is no race. You have time to get the house. You have time to meet the perfect person. You have time to try a new hobby. You have time to still do dumb things and stay out late. There’s no inherent rule or script that says you have to pick all your hobbies in your teens or get engaged in your late twenties. When I feel behind, there are two things I like to think about.
The first is about the hit 2000s sitcom, “How I Met Your Mother.” The show follows Ted, a hopeless romantic, as he tells his kids the stories of his twenties. Let’s just say he and his friends go through a lot of chaos before they get to their happy ending. Spoiler alert: Ted ends up becoming a very successful architect and finds the perfect girl for him. It took him a long time, but he got there. Sometimes, I remind myself that I’m the same age as Season 1 Ted. The characters in the show went through nine seasons of character development before everything worked out. When I remind myself I’m just on Season 1 of my life, I realize I have time for my show to develop. You are the main storyteller of your life, so create the best story you can. The same analogy applies to pretty much any coming-of-age sitcom (e.g., Friends and Modern Family). The second thing I think about when I’m feeling behind is about a guy I met at the jiu-jitsu gym. Let’s call him Patrick. Patrick started jiu-jitsu when he was 41 and ended up getting his purple belt at 50. Jiu-jitsu and wrestling are insanely taxing on the body, so seeing someone start the sport at his age is very inspiring, especially because jiu jitsu is not like other sports. The time, effort, and discipline required to earn a purple belt in jiu-jitsu is comparable to achieving a master or black belt level in other martial arts.If Patrick can start jiu-jitsu and wrestling at his age, then I still have time to learn to surf, travel the world, and learn a few more things, and so do you. Do Hard Things
You need to prioritize doing hard things. I believe it's impossible to remain stagnant or feel like you're "losing" in multiple areas of your life if you're constantly challenging yourself each day. By intentionally choosing to do hard things, we teach ourselves to embrace discomfort and, in the process, build a self-image that we can overcome the hurdles that come our way. In other words, the more challenging tasks you undertake, the more competent you will perceive yourself to be.
If you can run marathons or take cold plunges every morning, then dealing with sleep deprivation will probably feel like a mild irritant. If you train in martial arts and spend your evenings facing the toughest opponents, then your intense boss likely won't seem as intimidating. However, if we shy away from difficult tasks, even minor challenges will feel overwhelming. We'll find ourselves getting upset over trivial matters, like sending a text message to your crush. We'll view ourselves as incapable of learning new skills, pursuing new careers, and leaving negative situations. Proving to yourself that you can tackle hard things is probably one of the most empowering gifts you can give yourself. If you’re looking for some inspiration for hard things to do, try some of the following: Physical Challenges:
Conclusions
Navigating your twenties is filled with unpredictability and self-discovery. It’s a decade marked by constant evolution and redefining what success and happiness mean to you. While my life hasn’t followed the blueprint I laid out as a teenager, I’ve found joy and fulfillment in unexpected places. Embracing the chaos and learning to thrive within it has been a journey, one guided by my own set of “delusions.”
Remember, the world reflects what we project, so approach it with kindness and empathy. Don’t be afraid to lean on your friends and allow them to lean on you. Life is too short to spend it swiping through endless options—focus instead on building deep, meaningful connections. And above all, give yourself the grace to know that you have time to figure it all out. There’s no rush. Challenge yourself daily, seek discomfort, and know that you’re capable of more than you think. Ultimately, these delusions are just my way of making sense of my life. They might not be the definitive guide to life, but they’ve brought me peace and perspective. I hope they can do the same for you. So here’s to embracing messes, forging uncommon paths, and living by our own delusions. If you enjoyed this blog, consider subscribing to my monthly email newsletter in the footer below!
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AuthorIm Farshad. I'm a curious PhD candidate in biomedical engineering at the University of Toronto. At the moment, I spend most of my time engineering DNA nanotechnologies 🧬, and researching how I can improve personalized medicine approaches. I also spend a lot of time thinking about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life, and how I can be the best version of myself. This website hosts a collection of my over caffeinated thoughts regarding my life and the world, as well as my notes on the various books I’ve read. Archives
June 2024
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